- I did what seemed best at the time.
- My choices may be limited and beyond my control.
- There are no perfect elder care solutions and no perfect families
- If I had selected another course of action, I might now be having doubts about that as well.
- Things probably would have been worse if I had done nothing.
- Many others in similar situations have come to similar conclusions.
- New problems are not necessarily related to what I did or didn’t do.
- I know it’s easy to second guess or criticize from a distance.
- It isn’t possible to compare how one person handles things to how another relative would handle it, if their positions were reversed. Choices, options and lives are different from what they were 30 years ago.
- I can only do my best and be dependable, I can’t do it all.
- I must consider “good-enough-for-now” solutions.
- Family members have competing needs and loyalties
- Compromise is necessary for each to get some of what they need and want.
- My elder is not unhappy or upset because of what I have done. She/he is living with unwanted dependency, loss and/or pain. She/he still needs to feel useful, dignified and loved.
- We must continue to celebrate good times as a family and feel good about what we have been able to do for and with each other.
~ a care giver in Illinois